Naked.

I don't not wear makeup. I just don't. I can't remember the last time I thought it was okay to leave the house looking the way God intended. Maybe the 7th grade?

New York is such a funny city. For every person you see so dressed up you wonder if they are notable, there is a person who looks like they meant to go to Idaho and got lost here. (Much love to the Idahoians [?] who might stumble onto this blog.)

Every day I see women who aren't wearing makeup and I am utterly amazed. I am amazed that they didn't just come from the gym or overslept... that they actually left the house fully intending on braving the world with a naked face. I am SO JEALOUS of all of my friends who can say "Let me just hop in the shower, I'll meet you in 20." I don't even understand how that is possible! I would say about 90% are those chapstick-and-a-swipe-of-mascara type of girls and I can't handle it. You beautiful women! To quote on of the most wonderful films of all time:

"I'll have what she's having."

I cannot be one of those women. I do jot have strong facial features. My nose slightly hooks, my chin is weak and my cheeks just slightly too full. My eyebrows are too fine and a shade too light, and my dark eyes sort of sink into my pale complexion. Oh, that and I've been fighting a losing battle with acne for nearly a decade now and the results are scars, an uneven skin tone and a whole lot of self-consciousness.

I don't not wear make-up.

In fact, I almost always wear too much.

But I am dating a man who can't understand why I wear it and sees no point. He constantly tells me that I look great without it (to which I mutter under my breath that his eyesight must be going and/or he has a strange taste in slightly pockmarked women). But he hops in the shower, throws on clean clothes and is ready. In the time that I brush my hair and contemplate what shoes I want to wear... and that's when we're going to Trader Joe's. 

See, the need to feel beautiful in not only my own but EVERYONE'S eyes has been a part of my life for as far back as I can recall. I was the girl who snuck make-up to summer camp. And I don't know why I feel this way, I was loved and encouraged as a child- no one berated me or made me feel ugly. But, it is how  I feel. 

On Tuesday, I had nothing to do. Literally nothing. It was a struggle to find a reason just to put on pants... I would have to get very creative to find a reason to wear make-up. So I didn't. But I also didn't go anywhere or see anyone, save the bums on the subway, so it wasn't a big deal. Wednesday rolled around and I had to work but as I was blow drying my hair I lookes at myself in the mirror- I looked awful. But then I smiled and realized I looked... okay. So I didn't wear any make-up and entered the world.

Let it be known that the only times I can remember doing this in the past were during breakups when I couldn't stop crying long enough for it to actually stay on. 

And I tried to avoid looking at myself in the mirror for most of the day and so for most of the day I felt pretty good about myself. And then on Thursday I again did enter the public eye and my face stayed clean.

But here is today, Friday, day 4. Aside from the most annoying blemish on my chin...  I look okay. I really do. Maybe its just that it has been a long time since I've spent this many days with a naked face and I'm finally getting used to it, I don't know. I'm writing this as I take the train to work and after work I have plans (!) With some friends (!!) to go to a comedy thing and a bar for a late birthday celebration (!!!) and... I want to look nice. My pink streak has been sharpied purple (and I love it), my hair is on its best behavior and I am wearing my NYC uniform of black with sequins. It feels so strange to let my face stay naked. I'll probably give in about 5 minutes after I post this, but I don't care. I actually woke up for one day in my life actually pleased with the way God made my face.

** I wrote all of this on my phone so I'm sure there are typos and such... deal with it.