January has a history of ranging from just unfriendly to incredibly cruel in its treatments towards me.
I spent some time researching in my brain every January I can recall and these are the results:
2003 (13) A very odd, dream-like memory of standing on the snow (when the snow has hardened and if you step really softly you sort of glide on top of it), and I was listening to this song on my walkman and experiencing listlessness. As more well read adult, It reminds me of Cecelia from The Virgin Suicides when the doctor asks her why she'd try to kill herself and she replies that he obviously has never been a 13 year old girl.
2004 apparently was either so awful that I blocked it out or so lame my brain felt no need to catalog it.
2005 (15) We were remodeling our kitchen and the house was in such disarray so I spent as much time in my room as possible. I spent an entire Saturday eating sourdough pretzel nuggets and reading Little Women and wishing that I was Jo. Or maybe that I was Mamie. Not really wishing to be Amy, but still considering being Amy because being anyone other than me would've been fantastic.
2006 (16) I kissed a boy for the very very first time and though that it meant that he liked me and apparently it didn't and that was just all too much.
2007 (17) was actually magic. I thought January was repenting for its ways. Lies.
2008 (18) In the midst an emotionally abusive 6 month "relationship", whilst watching The Princess Bride, I realized (as he took my hand and told me he loved me), that he was awful and gross and all sorts of bad words and I told him to go away now and I mean it!
(Anybody want a peanut?)
I guess in the retrospect, this was a good January, but it felt very sad during the time.
2009 (19) I had just returned home from studying abroad and was all types of confused about life. I wasn't working and school wouldn't start until a week or two into February and every day was just a void without sunshine and hope.
2010 (20) I thought someone I loved didn't love me.
2011 (21) Someone I loved definitely didn't love me.
2012 (22) My phone broke. The year started and about 15 minutes later someone spilled their drink on my phone. The universe was trying to tell me something.
2013 (23) Would've been a redeemable January, except my dog died. In fact, I believe it was exactly 2 years ago today. I took a bereavement day and wept until my eyes wouldn't open.
2014 (24) I was unemployed. With about $50 to my name. And I was very cold. Very sad and very, very cold.
2015 (25) This should've been a good January. There was no reason it wouldn't be a good January. I live in a cool city, I can afford to take cabs and don't have to face the impossible cold, I have a job and friends.
And then, I found myself suddenly single. And then, a few hours later after finding myself suddenly single, I found myself quoting Sally for the first time in my life in a non- ironic way.
Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end.
I don't fight January anymore. It is useless. I don't know what I ever did to it. I don't know if my planets aren't aligned or if it is just all in my head or if everyone's life is like this and I am just dramatic and easily susceptible to S.A.D. and ex-boyfriends getting engaged. Who knows. Here's to February.
