Happy for Deep People

DON'T BLINK!

That which I thought would crucify me did the complete opposite. Thank you.

Emotional nudity is terrifying. I described it to a friend as being naked in the middle of your high school football field during a home game. We are living in a time where it is so easy to hide, from not only everyone else, but from ourselves. Everyone wants to forget the bad, only ever be happy, and forgo the sadness of life. But there is so good that can come out of sadness. Think of all of the heart wrenching movies and incredibly sad songs you love. There is a bright side to every bad day.

So, I keep getting these beauty marks all over my torso, I've discovered maybe a half dozen in the past 5 years. I'm not much of a sun worshiper  so I'm not too nervous about that, but I was upset that my skin was becoming spotted! I would forget that I was upset, because I don't see them constantly, only when I'm naked. And, if you know me, you know how I feel about clothes, as in I don't want to wear them when I'm not in public. The more I was naked, the more I looked at these beauty marks, and I kind of started to like them a little. Then more. And now, if you're ever to ask me what my favorite physical trait about myself is, I might have to lift up my shirt and show you.

...and for anyone who thinks that they're funny, I'm not talking about my breasts.

So, get naked, just like Alanis recommended, because you might notice something new about yourself, but I can promise that you will learn something about yourself.

Completely unrelated disclaimer, but I have no idea who reads this or how far into the internet it gets, but I suddenly lost my job today, so if anyone in the NYC area knows of anything... hook a sister up, please, I have a slightly expensive lifestyle I need to maintain, aka, I'd like to keep buying my morning croissant and feel fancy.

I'm only a little bummed about losing this job, mostly because extreme poverty is only like 3 weeks away.

But I already spent a non-refundable $55 on an express bus pass, so I will spend the next two days terrorizing enjoying the city, this could get dangerous and I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER.

Awkward.

It is almost two a.m., and if it weren't the middle of the night, I'd have so much more sense than to be so awkwardly honest on the internet.

I've only ever fallen in love once. It took like 30 seconds. I had this dream, and in my dream God told me to go love this boy. I woke up and had forgotten all about it until I saw him at breakfast. I was hot and cold and nauseous and dizzy and terrified, and had no idea why. And then I remembered, and I loved him. And I was 16.

And many, many years passed, and many wonderful and terrible things happened. We were both very good to each other and we were both very awful to each other. I think, with the clarity of the hindsight, we loved each other so much that we didn't know what to do, we were so young. And as they say, you hurt the ones you love the most.

We loved too much. Yes, it is possible. It was all-consuming, intoxicating, and detrimental to our respective well-beings.

I have had the opportunity to spend the last two years, one month, 3 weeks & 3 days to figure out who was to blame. On the surface, him. In reality, me. I became a person that even I was unable to love, how was I to ask that of another?

I was born for two ultimate reasons, I was born to be an Artist, and I was born to be in love. And I had spent every waking moment of my life since birth chasing after those things with such a dark intensity that I couldn't see anything else. Every moment in my life was designed to amount to one of those two things. The day that I learned that the boy I loved, loved me as well... I still don't know the word for that moment.

I was so obsessed with love. With feeling it, giving it, receiving it, I forgot everything else. Because even though you can love too much, love is not always enough. I forgot to respect this boy that I loved, I forgot to both accept and give forgiveness. I forgot to be his biggest fan, the one person who he had when there was no one left. I forgot to give him the Grace we all so desperately need.
I was so young, maybe I just didn't know.

I am 23 now, and it has been 6 years 7 months and about three weeks. In 6 years, 7 months and about three weeks a lot can happen. A lot did happen. I know so much now that I couldn't have then, when I had the chance. I don't know if the wisdom came with age or with heartbreak. I know so much, I have grown so much. I wonder if this boy I loved, if he knew me now, could he love me again? Love who I have become? I have once again become the girl he loved so long ago.

It seems like it wasn't ever real, like everything happened that night during the dream, and I woke up two years ago to reality.
I have the same dream all the time, we find each other and are just terribly confused. "Why do you look so different?" "Why don't I recognize your voice?" We finally realize because X amount of time has passed, and then life goes on, as it once might have.

"It's like forgetting the words
to your favorite song,
you can't believe it,
you were always singing along."

This is so strange, and awkward, and maybe even dangerous to post. Just about everyone who has ever met me knows exactly who I am talking about. Have your opinion, say I am pathetic, or that I should get over it, or that I am a joke, you won't tell me anything I haven't told myself. So maybe, by writing this piece of public humiliation, someone else will benefit from it, because I probably won't.

Do not be ashamed of who you are, how you feel, or who you love.