Swan Song

You all have been so good to me.
You've allowed me to believe I have secret admirers. You've shown me that I have real life cheerleaders. You've made me feel that my words are worth hearing.

But all good things come to an end.

This is my last post. This is my swan song.

I have been reading a lot. 8 books in less than one month to be exact. The more books that I read, the more characters that I cry over, the more time that I laugh to myself while reading on the subway, the more I realize that I will never do what these people do.
And that is ok.

I have so many words. They start somewhere far down in my soul, but the time they leave my mouth (or my fingers) they are so jumbled up that I can barely get my point across. I have so much to say but no idea how to say it. I find myself to be so silent. Hours spent in reflective thinking. No clue how to exude what is only intrinsic.

I spent a few hours today with a darling friend on a long car ride to the beach. She asked me about my religion and I gave her the best answer I could (which was a very poor one). It was the answer to the question I have been asking myself for over 5 years. I could hardly articulate the emotions, the thought process, the years of anguish. My words are too jumbled. I am stuck. I am lost. I am a wander.

Putting them on paper use to sort them out. They have always been jumbled inside of me but once they left my soul, once they were things that I could see and not just feel, then I could finally have a bit of clarity.

Currently, I find it a burden just to try.

For every post I have written there are two that I have deleted. Posts with strong plot lines. Intelligent words and ideas that sit on my soul impatiently awaiting their turn to shine. I write and write and write but no matter the abundance of words, the message is still lost. Brevity and conciseness have never been my strong suits.

I hope to bring this blog back some day. Some day when I am not jumbled. Some day when my soul is eased. When I sleep peacefully and sip hot tea and watch leaves fall and feel contentment with the simple fact of being alive.

My fear though is that I will always have a jumbled soul, never understanding itself, never knowing if I believe what I believe or I believe what I have been taught to believe. I yearn for self actualization. I have felt in the past that I have achieved it and yet now as I reach adulthood it becomes elusive again.

All previous posts will be turned into "drafts" meaning that they won't be deleted, they just won't be visible to the public.

You've been so good to me.

So I leave you with this. My ever present reminder that despite my nomadic heart (and although I very often feel & say it) - I am not lost. I am just not yet found.

 I also leave you with this, something I quoted twice today. It isn't extremely applicable, but since I walk around with a black rain cloud over my head, whining about life's unfairness more days, I have to often remind myself of this:

"I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish that none of this had happened."
"So do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."