New York's Not My Home

Well things were spinnin' round me
And all my thoughts were cloudyAnd I had begun to doubt all the things that were meBeen in so many placesYou know I've run so many racesAnd looked into the empty faces of the people of the nightAnd something is just not right, 'cause I know

New York's not my home. I hate myself for saying it out loud, but it is the truth.

If you know anything about it, you'll know that New York was always my thing. If you asked me where I was from I was quick to say that although I was brought up in Delaware, I was born in Queens. I had to let everyone know- New York is my place. It is where I belong. It is my home.

This morning I got on the train as I went to work and sat down in a seat and a woman across from me started to make quite a ruckus about my chair. I tried to ignore her as it was early and I was tired and I just wanted to sit in peace for the 20 or so minutes, but she wouldn't be ignored. Apparently the gentleman before me had urinated on himself whilst sitting in the seat that I was currently sitting in, the girl next to me explained. But, he had turned to the side (the side was closest to the aisle) and... I guess peed on the floor? The girl assured me that the seat was urine free and that she wouldn't have let me sit there had it not been. We chatted and exchanged names and she gave me her business card and it was quite lovely. But in the midst of our chat she asked me how long I had been here, and then how long I thought I might stay.

For whatever reason, we are most honest with strangers.

I told her that I had been here for about 14 months and ... I honestly didn't know. If you had asked me when I first moved here I would've said that I am dying in this city, (preferably in one of the parks since I refuse to die in a hospital... but more on that later), but now I can't say that for sure. Maybe I was just disillusioned by all of the slammed doors in my face or the lack of whatever I thought would happen to me once I moved here, but all of the magic is gone.

Though all the streets are crowded
There's somethin' strange about it
I Lived there bout a year and I never once felt at home
I thought I'd make the big time
I learned a lot of lessons awful quick
And now I'm tellin' you
That they were not the nice kind
And it's been so long since I have felt fine, that's the reason that

New York is mean and dirty and I don't belong here.

Yes, there is so much wonder to hold and I know that... but I feel that I have to force myself to remember that. After work I have to do everything in my power to not comeback and spend my evening binge-watching T.V. (currently catching up on this season's Call the Midwife - IN LOVE!)

The problem is, I told the girl, that where else could I possibly go?
Back home? I love my family and the 4 or 5 friends that still reside in the state, but what is there for me? What career, what future? So then what, perhaps another city? Boston, D.C., L.A., Chicago... maybe, but am I ready to uproot my whole life only to find out that they don't fit me either? I am at least beginning to conquer the demon known as the Big Apple, and as they say, it's best to stick with the demons you know.

(It also doesn't help that I just signed a 2 year contract with my job...)

I honestly feel that if I were to leave NYC I would have to leave the country altogether because after NYC, what else is there? When I was waiting to hear if I had received this job with Macy's or not, all of my back-up plans involved me leaving the country. A little dramatic? I mean, maybe. Necessary for my mental sanity? Absolutely.

But then if I don't fit in here, the most blended place on Earth, where else could I go?
This also ties in with the career bit- while I am thrilled to be employed full time again and forever grateful to Macy's for giving me a second go- I wasn't a little girl who dreamed of working in retail/fashion and/or business and management. I wanted a lot, but none were that. Twenty some years later I realize that I have a decent capacity for these things and I want to stay with it for as long as I can, but will it make me feel joy each morning (or late night)? I'm just not sure.

If my life were a novel, wandering would be a major theme. I can't ever seem to settle- not because I am adventurous, but because I never seem to find my place, and that makes me so, so sad.

If you are hoping to move here, please don't let my whining discourage you. I am a chronic complainer and glass half empty type, so maybe it isn't New York, maybe it is me. (Which is even scarier, because that leads me to believe that I will never be happy anywhere which is waaaay too much for me to swallow this late at night.)

Let me know if your city suits me better, I'll be forever indebted to you.


Many thanks to an ex-boyfriend who introduced me to this song... at least he left me with one good thing.